A fable for the day after

Today I woke to a world transformed in a terrifying way.

I first noticed it when I turned on the radio. "I never thought I'd see the day," said the news commentator—former news commentator, I would soon realize—practically on the verge of tears. What the devil is she talking about, I wondered. But there was no time to listen further, for I was late to work.

I left the house, prepared to find my neighbor who never smiles walking her equally sullen dog as it dropped turds that she pretended to ignore. Yet not only did she beam at me and loft an energetic "hello!" she had even managed to find a colored sweatshirt for the morning.

"Hello," I replied nervously. "Beautiful day," she said, peering at the clouds overhead.

"Er, yes." I continued to my office, deeply perplexed.

The road through the industrial park offered a moment to regroup. The stacks of compressed cars still leaned against each other in the junk yard. The piles of unused pallets rested unperturbed in the lot. Row upon row of disassembled scaffolding languished behind the recently erected ten-foot fence—a necessary precaution, I suppose, against the legions of prowling delinquents stealing heavy construction equipment.

But my calm was shattered when I got to my building.

In the elevator, I came upon two men on their way to the third floor. They joked and chatted. "Man, aren't you excited?" one of them asked. "It's a new day," the other said. Third floor, I thought, that's the training center. What kind of scoundrel approaches a Monday session of "professional development" with such delight?

When I got to my office, I headed straight for my desk. I couldn't bear to interact with anyone. But it was no use. I turned my computer on and found thirteen emails awaiting. "VICTORY!" shouted one subject line. "Yes We Did," went another. "Congratulations!" "I never thought I'd see the day," opined a colleague who had been listening to the same radio program. "We can all breathe easier—literally." And, simply, "YES."

I sought my footing in reason. I had to think logically, in spite of the seeming absurdity of all that I was witnessing. If we are celebrating, then there must be something we've won. So what is this victory? Who gained it?

And that's when it hit me. In retrospect it seems so obvious.

Everyone around me has been replaced by an insurance agent.